Hi there, I’m your host, Lucifer. Just your garden variety demonic author. Just kidding. But I am an author. Truth be told, I don’t even recall how I got the nickname Lucifer. I’m completely angelic. But anyway, that’s not why you’re here, now, is it? Nope, you’re probably here because you got lost or you’ve heard about the “Day in the Life of Lucy” thing I started up… almost 2 years ago now (or almost 2 years ago according to when I wrote this introduction)
Anyway, so it got big. Or well, maybe like medium. But I digress–people really seemed to like my “Day in the Life of Lucy” posts. I’m apparently something called “funny,” whatever that means. I, personally, just think I’m an asshole and people think I’m joking, but whatever floats their–and your–boats. Whatever the reason for people thinking I’m funny, I’ve had a lot of people tell me that I need to write a “Day in the Life of Lucy” book–which I’m not gonna do because y’all can get fucked up (oh yeah, warning, I’m a cusser) scenarios from my real life for free on Facebook so why the hell would you buy it? Then a lot of people told me I need to do a podcast. No…like…seriously. Random strangers will listen in on my conversations in public and tell me I need to start a podcast. That actually just happened last week… but AGAIN, I digress.
Here are some fun scenes from “A Day in the Life of Lucy.” They are miscollected and somewhat out of order. They are “numbered,” but that’s just for ease of reading. Not everyone is introduced, and that’s okay. If it helps, here are some important characters before you start:
Lucy: The STAR, moi!
Jen: Personal Assistant/friend
Kel: Evil Lucy (another author/bff)
The Rock: My grandmother (to be fair, she had the nickname before Dwayne Johnson was even born)
Most everyone else is used sparingly. But initials/names are usually friends, acquaintances, or fellow authors/writers.
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 1
Jen: *talking about hot air balloons and crazy cliff divers*
Lucy: I would die.
Jen: *something about how some people did and it was crazy*
Lucy: *thinking: there’s a reason people don’t do that. It’s not crazy that they died, it’s crazy that they jumped off of a cliff and expected not to*
Lucy: Oh, by the way. Expressionate is currently at 63K and I have yet to kill someone… I’m gonna try to do that before the end of the night.
Jen: … *supposedly off working and doing adult things*
Lucy: … *thinking: Well, I said I was gonna kill someone, now I have to do it.*
Also Lucy: It isn’t like I WASN’T planning on killing someone…
I totally was.
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 2
Lucy: *boxing up books for a big move*
The Rock [aka grandmother/mamaw]: Lucy, you know if you got rid of some of these, it would be much easier to move you.
Lucy: *glares over shoulder at the Rock* No.
Rock: Be reasonable!
Lucy: I AM BEING REASONABLE! If I got rid of all my clothes, it would be easier to move as well. Is that what you want me to do, woman? Move apartments NAKED?!
Rock: Well, you could stand to downsize your closet too…
Lucy: Now listen here, Susan, the books are staying. Clothes… optional.
Rock: … *name is not Susan*
Rock: Please don’t try to move in naked.
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 3
Friend: It’s Short Girl Appreciation Day.
Friend: I appreciate you.
Lucy: WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL YOU CAN’T SEE WITH A MAGNIFYING GLASS?!
Friend: I’ll whoop your ass. Don’t make me!
Lucy: Bring it. I’m closer to hell… I have the devil on my side.
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 4
Lucy: A pore strip ripped off a patch of my skin…
C: OMG put VASELINE on it!
Lucy:… Who the fuck actually carries vaseline? What does that do but like… lubricate shit?
C: You gon’ learn today, son.
Lucy: I’m a woman but okay.
C: It can… smooth your hair.
Prep your skin for perfume so it lasts
Highlight your skin when you don’t have luminizer
Remove makeup stains from clothing
Turn loose powder makeup into cream makeup
Define your lashes
Eyelash glue remover
Lucy: Hair is fine. Perfume lasting is fine. What the fuck is luminizer? Some sort of singing candelabra? I don’t wear enough make up for that. Don’t wear powder make up. Lashes are fine… no fake eyelashes – too much work.
C: WD-40 substitute. Homemade slug repellent.
Lucy:… you’re making this shit up now.
C: No I’m not!
Lucy: I have like… that.. rubby shit
The shit that goes on your face
Fuck, what’s it called?
The stuff that “Stops you from aging” but doesn’t really?
I think that’s it
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 5
*Reading a Children’s Norse Mythological Tales book*
*Flips another page*
Lucy: … No, that is NOT what happened.
Roommate: *eating something on the couch* How do you know? Were you there?
Lucy: NONE OF THIS IS ACCURATE. HOW CAN YOU BE EATING AT A TIME LIKE THIS!
Roommate: *slowly sticks chip in mouth and crunches down loudly*
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 6
CJ: I found a way to write faster.
CJ: Good idea, but no.
L: Go on.
CJ: I reward myself with an M&M every 500 words. I’m tricking myself into writing faster and eating chocolate in the process
L: LIFE HACK
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 7
Lucy: *happily clicking through personally made teasers, thinking of herself as a genius… because you know, she is.*
Lucy: *finds what she thinks is an error*
Lucy: EDITOR! *contacts editor* ANSWER! OMG. F%$K! HELP!
Lucy: *shows editor teaser* HAVE I DESECRATED ONE OF THE SIMPLEST RULES OF GRAMMAR? I AM NOT WORTHY! *dissolves into sobbing*
Editor: No… you’re right. It’s fine.
Lucy: *sobbing cuts off abruptly* Oh good, I was having a damn fuckery attack.
Editor: That sounds dirty.
Lucy: *wiggles eyebrows*
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 8
Here’s a funny from the mind of Lucy:
Question: Do you have any tips for new writers?
Me: Cry now, it’s best to get used to that early on.
Someone else: Read a lot. Hone your craft.
Also Me: Every time someone says “Craft,” take a shot
Me Continued: Not a shot of water, you pansy. Tequila. Whiskey. Vodka. Those are your choices.
Oh yeah, and welcome to the club, you poor unfortunate soul.
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 9
Lucy: *strolls into coffee shop* *places order*
Barista: Oh, hey! It’s half off today.
Lucy: OMFG. SERIOUSLY? YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY
Barista: *finishes order after Lucy Pays* eyyyy *finger guns*
Lucy: *overjoyed to find someone like me*
Barista’s boss: *whispers* Don’t ever do that again.
Lucy: *stops.* *stares boss in the face until he meets my eyes* If she stops finger-gunning me (dirty thought) *smirk* I’ll stop coming (another dirty thought) *smirk smirk* here.
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 10
Lucy: I found a place to live! (looking for new rentals in the area)
C: That’s great babe, where?
Lucy: Well, I’m debating on either SecurCare Storage units (that’s not a typo, they really spell secure like that) or CubeSmart Storage units.
C: Did I miss something?
Lucy: They have great deals! and if I get the big unit, the first month is FREE!
C: Lucy, it’s illegal.
Later that day…
Lucy: Why can’t you live in a F*cking storage unit?
Friend: Because it’s illegal…
Lucy: (thinking apparently everyone knew this but her) Yeah, well, you know what else is illegal, robbing someone but college still exists.
Lucy: But am I wrong?
Friend: No, you’re not wrong.
Lucy: F*cking communists.
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 11
Jen: *getting up before 5am to help out with some school function* *Sends Lucy picture of outside*
Lucy: OMG. It’s darker than my sense of humor outside!
Jen: Only you would say something like that.
Lucy: I’m just saying. I would not be you right now. Those other parents would be questioning me, asking “Is she dependable?” No the fuck I am not. I am not dependable before 2pm in the afternoon. I could show up naked–that’s a high possibility–before 2pm because I’m TIRED.
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 12
Lucy: Hey… did I ever do anything about that possible Iris Boys teaser. We were gonna talk about that.
C: Oh shit. No. we didn’t.
Lucy: I didn’t think we did…
Also Lucy: All that talking and WHAT DID WE EVEN DISCUSS
I remember anal, your mom’s magic powers and that’s it
Oh and a fancy banjo.
C: this would make a great Day in the Life post.
And here we are…
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 13
Why am I doing this again so soon? Because drugs, that’s why.
Day in the Life of Lucy:
TJ: I’m hardcore thinking about starting a crazy RH fanfic starring Betty, Jughead, Archie, and Fangs.
Lucy: I don’t know who those people are. Wait. Jughead… Cole Sprouse? He’s hot.
TJ: GAH! RIVERDALE!
Lucy: I’ve never seen an episode in my life
TJ: I’ll bake you a cake and pay you $5 to watch Riverdale.
Lucy: Do you want books or do you want me to watch Riverdale? There is a choice that must be made here.
TJ: Fine. Books. You can watch TV when you’re old I guess. -_-
Lucy: A wise decision has been made.
TJ: I need more people to swoon with me.
Lucy: I’ll swoon over Cole Sprouse any day of the week. His face is a face that I would proudly sit upon.
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 14
Lucy: *stares at the ground* *stares even harder*
Work Lucy: What have you been doing for the last hour.
Work Lucy: Say it LOUDER, young lady.
Lucy: *huffs* I was just doing some research.
Work Lucy: SINCE. WHEN. DOES WATCHING VINES ON YOUTUBE FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR COUNT AS RESEARCH.
Lucy: You don’t understand the way I work.
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 15
Feat. The Rock (my grandmother) (side note: As I’ve told others, to be fair, my grandmother is much older than Dwayne Johnson and had the name first.) Now, on with your regularly scheduled broadcast of awesome.
Lucy: I have a bra on.
Lucy: so I’m appropriate to be out in public.
Rock: I didn’t think you took your bra off.
Lucy: I took a shower.
Rock: You can’t shower with a bra on.
Lucy: …which is why I had it off.
Rock: Oh, so you didn’t have your bra on in the shower?
Lucy: Uh no?!
Rock: Good. You shouldn’t wear a bra while you shower.
Lucy: Why do I get the feeling that you have personal experience with this?
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 16
Lucy and the Rock: episode 2 (this one got split up)
Rock: I want some of those peanut butter chocolate fudge cookies.
Lucy: [gets up to go get them]
Rock: I want 3
[Lucy lifts eyebrow]
Rock: on a paper plate
Lucy: *tosses box across the room at Rock*
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 17
LESSONS FROM LUCY: (I found the right title) Flirting… Am I Doing it Right?
Lucy: *Snapchatting male friend *
Male Friend: My friend Paul asks if you’re single.
Lucy: I’m in a committed relationship with my phone. We do butt touches and everything.
MF: He says that’s more of a thing rather than a one.
Lucy: I’m in a relationship with Chris Pratt now that his marriage is over. He just doesn’t know it yet. But we’re very happy together.
MF: No you’re not.
Lucy: Well, we will be soon. We’ll probably start out as pen pals.
MF: You’re definitely not in a relationship with Chris Pratt.
Lucy: *heartbroken* I’m not?
Lucy: Damn…. you wouldn’t happen to have $300 on standby would you?
Lucy: Welp, I guess I’ll have to start stripping.
MF: I can give a free consultation.
Lucy: *sends video of Lucy in an inflatable dino costume in a pole dancing class 3 weeks ago*
MF: OMG IS THAT YOU?
Lucy: You’re goddamn right it is.
Lucy: btw tell Paul that I don’t do long distance bromances with strange men. I mean, look how things turned out between me and Chris Pratt *sheds tear* so tragic.
MF: Paul says okay.
Lucy: That response is lackluster and tell him he needs to get on our level. Dweeb.
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 18
Me to Me: You’re an adult. Don’t be petty.
Also Me: That Bitch. It was not JUST a chocolate donut. It was THE LAST ONE!
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 19
Feat. The Rock
Rock: Hey, I think I broke the alarm system again. Can you tell me what button to push to stop it from beeping every time I open the door?
Lucy: Sure, can you take a picture of the system and touchpad and send it to me?
Rock: How do I take a picture?
Lucy: Explains how to find the camera on her cellphone.
Rock: Hold on… *line goes dead*
Lucy: Wtf. *calls back*
Rock: Did I do it?
Lucy: Do what? You hung up on me.
Rock: Did it take the picture?
Lucy: … *lives 10 hours away* *deadpan* sure did. good job. -_-
Rock: Great, what do I do now?
Lucy: Rock… no…
Rock: Oh damn it, I can’t figure this thing out, can’t I just tell you what the buttons say?
Lucy: *internal screaming* Yup sure. You do that. I’m sure we’ll figure it out don’t worry.
(but would they? Would they ever truly figure it out?)
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 20
Friend A talking to Friend B: I just finished this awesome book–
Lucy: *walk up into the room like what up, I got a big love of books* BUT HAVE YOU READ *this* BOOK? *shoves book in friend A’s face.*
Friend A: Uh… no *shoves book out of face* Not yet.
Lucy: *stares in judgment* *sniffs* then you ain’t shit. *walks away*
Friend A: *calls after* I didn’t say I WOULDN’T read it!
Lucy: AIN’T. SHIT. HOMIE.
Friend B: Maybe you should read the book.
Friend A: I will eventually. Don’t worry, she always does this.
Friend B: *picks up book that fell on the ground* Isn’t this her book?
Friend A: *exasperated* yes.
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 21
How Lucy tells her PA that she is weak:
Lucy: *mentions something work related*
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 22
Lucy: I need to hire someone to put this desk together. It is tiny, but very frustrating.
Lucy: I am an artist, not a desk-putter-togetherer
C: I don’t do building shit. I had to get marriage counseling after my first ikea attempt with my husband.
C: HE DIDNT KEEP THE SCREWS SEPARATE. WHAT KIND OF MONSTER DOES THAT?
Cora: I couldn’t handle the betrayal. They were strewn around the floor in pieces, like my shattered heart.
Lucy: Idc as long as it gets put together. Maybe I’ll hire the boyfriend position. That’s what they’re good for, right?
1 position available. Title: Boyfriend
Must be able to put furniture together in a timely manner.
Must enjoy cuddles and Dogs.
Benefits: Sex and food… and cuddles
Cuddles are non-negotiable.
C: you should add “Quality of built furniture must be able to withstand angry sex against/on top of it.”
Lucy: Fantastic idea. But it really is a small desk. My dad got it for me.
Lucy: Only sociopaths give their daughters unassembled furniture.
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 23
Lucy: My greatest accomplishment of this year is getting a relatively new car.
Kel: I have to buy a new car next year.
Lucy:… you’re gonna try driving again?
Kel: I wasn’t that bad.
Lucy: How many wrecks were you in and how old are you?
Kel: Only like 4-5. I used to be a racer.
Lucy:…we all gon’ die.
Kel: #livelikeyourekel I survive because I have no fear.
Lucy: You’re like a toddler who hasn’t discovered death yet. Fearless. Slightly angry. Always hungry for pizza.
Kel: I also whine like a little bitch when I don’t get my way.
This has been a day in the life of Lucy. Join us next week to see if I survive.
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 24
Kel: I’m curious, why don’t you show your face?
Lucy: Privacy…but also *jumps up and covers half of my face with a black blanket woven around my arm like a Dracula cape* I’m MYSTERIOUS!
Lucy: Is Lucy a babe or is she ugly? The world may never know.
Lucy: … *puts down cape* I’m hot though, btws. In case you were wondering.
Kel: And now I’m EVEN MORE CURIOUS.
Lucy: *sends pic*
Kel: … you do bitch face like me…
Lucy: ITS RESTING BITCH FACE SYNDROME! I CAN’T HELP IT…
Also Lucy: But I’m hot, aren’t I? At least a 7, right?
Kel: 😏😏😏Yeah, you’re hot babe. At least a 7 😂😂😂
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 25
Lucy: If I ever had to work a 9-5 job, I’d be dead before I turned 30.
Kel: Dude. SAAAAAME.
Lucy: This is why I’m a writer.
Kel: We are legit the same person.
“Me at college graduation: *sobbing openly*
Other people: Aww. Are you going to miss us?
Me: NO. I’M JUST SO FUCKING HAPPY I WONT HAVE TO GET UP AT THE ASSCRACK OF DAWN ANYMORE”
Kel: Yeah, I’m not walking. I’m too lazy to get up that early and stand around.
Lucy: I don’t want to regret NOT walking, but if I have to buy a new robe thing, I’m not doing it. I already have one. Those things are thin af and the only difference for a Masters is the sleeves.
Kel: A robe?
Lucy: Yeah, the thing that you wear over your clothes. The moomoo looking thing.
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 26
Lucy: *clicks on something on the computer*
Lucy: *quietly* oh no.
Lucy: *slightly louder* Oh no.
Friend: *actually looks at Lucy* What?
Lucy: OH NO.
Lucy: I’m on depositphotos again. I can’t stop.
Friend: Can’t stop or won’t stop.
Lucy: *starts singing Miley Cyrus as she’s scrolling through pictures* CUZ WE CANT STOP. WE WONT STOP!!!
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 27
A Day in the Life of Lucy: Hurricane Edition (Hurricane Florence – I live in the South East, please don’t stalk me)
Lucy: *calls dad*
Dad: *answers* What? I’m busy.
Lucy: Just checking on you.
Dad: Baby, I’m playing cornhole.
Lucy: I thought you said you were fucking busy?
Dad: I am.
Lucy: So, anyway. You still alive?
Dad: Why are you calling me? You’re gonna get it worse than me.
Lucy: Just checking on my inheritance. K. Love you. Byeeeeeeeee
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 28
Lucy: *on snapchat* why am I always alone?
Lucy pretending to be a modern man: *creepily* hey baby how are you?
Lucy: This makes me decidedly uncomfortable… *GASP* that’s why!
Lucy: Ppl don’t know how to flirt anymore. Like… we need to bring courting back. I’m talking Medieval up in this shiz. Treat me like I’m Elizabeth the first. COURT ME LIKE YOU’RE GONNA GET A GODDAMN COUNTRY OUT OF THIS!
T-t-t-thats all folks!
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 29
A Day in the life of Lucy: Edition “Things my Editor would totally say”
Editor: WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Editor: LUCY! NO. STOP IT.
Editor: Are you even human? Do you have a soul?
Editor: *slap* don’t *slap* put *slap* a comma *slap* there *slap* youstupidbitch
Editor: You cackled when you wrote this didn’t you?
Editor: Idk how, but I think you got tear stains and blood on a virtual document
Kristen (editor), would you not? You are the embodiment of “not today Satan” which is rather ironic, considering…
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 30
Lucy: hmmm, what do I have going on today? I know! Better check the calendar.
Noon: Cry and then get Starbucks
Noon Fifteen: Go to work the “day” job.
1pm: Hide in office and write.
1:30pm: Pretend like I’m actually doing work.
2pm: Check Facebook (like I haven’t already done it a dozen times by now)
5pm: Go to class.
5:30pm: Write note about story idea for later concerning stilettos and 70s dance music.
5:35pm: write secondary note reminding self to mention the idea to Kel
6:15pm: get out of class
6:30pm: Get home. Walk dog.
7pm: Sit down to write
Midnight: (Whether I’ve gotten any writing done by this portion of the night/day is irrelevant) Realize I’ve spent all night trying to write and haven’t done homework.
Midnight Fifteen: Attempt Homework.
3am: Attempt sleep.
Try it again the next day. We’ll see if it works out.
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 31
Lucy: Styx is a river in the Greek underworld.
Kel: I’m aware.
Kel: You thought I was dumb.
Lucy: In my defense, most people are.
Kel: That’s fair, but I’m me.
Lucy: You right.
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 32
Kel: *insinuates that Lucy is an asshole*
Lucy: *GASP* I’m like…super nice. All the time. How dare you. I’m a motherfucking angel.
Kel: The devil was an angel too. Look how that turned out.
Lucy: *gestures to self* Um…HELLO. Lucifer speaking. I’m still an angel. A fallen angel. But an angel none the less.
Kel: Means you’re not an angel anymore
Lucy: *still talking like Kel hasn’t said a word* AND…I’m still the most beautiful.
Lucy: A dead rose is still a rose
Lucy: And a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet.
Lucy: So suck my dick.
Kel: A dead rose smells like rot. Not a rose. So eat ass mofo.
Kel: Nasty. Hairy. Ass.
Lucy: *GASP* YOU BITCH!
Lucy: When you get to hell, I’ll be fucking waiting for you. You hear me? I’ll. See. You. In. Hell.
Kel: I’ll be fine.
Lucy: Fucking STOP IT! LET ME HAVE THE LAST WORD, DAMN IT!
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 33
Lucy: *wakes up*
Lucy: What a glorious morning…it makes me sick.
Lucy: *checks weather* Oh, hmmm 66 degrees? I can break out the sweater! Not too hot not too cold.
Lucy: Gets ready for work and school. Walks outside.
Lucy: What the fuck is this shit? I THOUGHT YOU SAID 66 DEGREES! WHERE THE FUCK IS FALL?
Lucy: *debates on changing* Ahh fuck it. I’ll just sweat for the rest of the day instead of spending 5 minutes changing. That sounds logical.
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 34
Lucy: I don’t wanna do what I need to be doing. I’m gonna watch Violet Evergarden now.
5 episodes later.
Lucy: Oh. I didn’t realize I was gon’ get wrecked by this but OKAY.
3 episodes later.
Lucy: WHAT THE FUCK.
2 episodes later.
Lucy: WHAT IS HAPPENING?! WHAT THE FUCK. MAKE IT STOP. WHY IS EVERYONE DOING THE DYING? Is this what Game of Thrones fans feel like?
3 episodes later.
Lucy: What the hell is coming out of my eyes? Kel! KEL!!!! I’m LEAKING! MAKE IT STOP!!!
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 35
Lucy: I wish we lived near each other. Cuz then I could drag you to classes that I would most certainly have to go to the ER afterward.
Kel: *lifts eyebrow*
Lucy: You know like those spin classes or Zumba or trampoline workout classes.
Kel: If we lived in a compound we could have an in-home gym
Side note: *breaks down fourth wall* Both Kel and I believe that people should find the ppl they love and live in compounds.
Back to your regularly scheduled episode.
Lucy: Nah. We need to go out so we could actually leave the house every once in a while.
Kel: You should move here.
Lucy: Bitch. Why would I do that? You’re gonna move anyway in the next year!
Kel: You could have someone to watch your dog while you get the D.
Lucy: That’s not fair. You know how to get me.
Kel: It’s a fab idea. You get a gym partner, dog watcher, pizza eating, best friend material extraordinaire.
Lucy: How ’bout a sugar mama? I’ll put out and everything.
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 36
feat. Anita (It’s not Kel this time)
[convo so far: talking about Anita alpha reading for Lucy]
Anita: Do we want brutal honesty this time? or gentleness?
Lucy:…tbh…Idk how you can be any worse than me right now. Every page is shit. Shit shit shit.
Lucy: This whole book is shit.
Lucy: Everything about it sucks ass.
Lucy: But it needs to be done.
Lucy: And I’m hoping, against hope that my glorious alpha reader (you) and editor can somehow find a ROCK of SOME value not even a GOOD value just SOME under all of this feces.
Anita: You say that every time and it totally doesn’t.
Lucy: I mean it this time.
Lucy: [as Anita] Anita: you mean it every time
Lucy: [back to Lucy] I REALLY mean it this time
Lucy: [continuing to play Anita’s part] Anita: no sure just take over the conversation why don’t you. You can do my part, that’s fine.
REAL Anita: 😂😂😂
Lucy: Thanks I’m so glad you understand how shitty this is.
REAL Anita: I like watching myself have conversations. Really insightful.
This has been a Day in the Life of Lucy. Stay tuned for next week’s episode: Lucy’s Loses her Shit [and no we’re not talking about the book]
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 37
Lucy: *Sits down in the theater with D*
Commercial 1: *freezes, skips, buffers*
Lucy: *loudly, bc of who I am as a person* Ah. Just like home.
Two guys behind us: *laughs*
Commercial: What’s in your wallet?
Lucy: Nothing. There’s nothing in my wallet. I’m broke.
Whole theater: *laughter*
Lady down front: *turns around* Yup. Movies are expensive. The only reason we came here is because we had a free ticket.
Lucy + D + Lady: *shares intense moment of understanding*
D: You should make this a life of lucy thing.
Lucy: I’m not that funny.
D: You should still do it.
Lucy: Meh. I don’t control what comes out of my mouth. Send it to me or I’ll forget.
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 38
Lucy: *telling kel a funny ass story on the phone*
Kel: *laughing* That’s hilarious!
Lucy: I know I am.
Kel: IT WASNT EVEN YOUR STORY!
Lucy:…what’s your point?
Lucy: –Anyway, so Kel.
Lucy: I have to pee.
Lucy: I’m gonna hang up on you bc I have to pee and I dont want you to hear me pee and my phone is on 19% and shit.
Lucy: but I love you.
Kel: *mumbled response*
Lucy: Did you say you loved me back?
Lucy: Well, say it again so I can be sure.
Kel: 😂😂😂 I love you, Lucy.
Lucy: K. Thx. Byeeeeeeeee
This has been A Day in the Life of Lucy. Tune in next week for more shenanigans.
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 39
(feat. “The Bitch” – y’all know who I’m talking about. Don’t pretend.)
(It’s Kel. In case you were wondering)
The Bitch: I’ll buy you a drink.
Lucy: *squints* you’re only saying that to get me in bed.
The Bitch: 😂 I’ll buy you 2 drinks if you dont make me smooze.
Lucy: Fine. I heard they’re like SUPER EXPENSIVE too. I’ll buy the most expensive one and not even drink it.
The Bitch: …
Lucy: Okay, I might sip it…
The Bitch: …
Lucy: all of it…
The Bitch: …
Lucy: ALCOHOL IS MY VICE. Geez, what’s with the interrogation…
The Bitch: writing is my vice. And being a cunt. I do that too.
Lucy: You’re so good at that second one.
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 40
This is a new day in the life of Lucy.
This is… story time.
So, I got to my parents place for xmas the other day, right? And side note–my parents own a bar–and anyway, so we’re at the bar, right? (yes you’re going to be hearing that a lot, just keep reading). So, we’re at the bar and it’s my uncle’s (not really an uncle/it’s really a friend of the family) birthday. But Homeboy is at work. So his wife, K, and my parent’s friend Cheese (don’t ask me why he’s called that, Idk. But yes, that is literally what they call him) come up to the bar and they congratulate me on my Masters. All that jazz. Things are great.
K tells me they’re all going out to dinner the next night–a japanese steakhouse–her first mistake (I fucking love japanese food) and she invites me–her second mistake (again my love for japanese food knows no bounds) but I control myself. They’re going just the 5 of them–my parents, Cheese, and K and Uncle.
Here’s where the story gets interesting. So, K asks me why I don’t want to come and me being Lucy, I’m honest.
Lucy: Oh, no. I WANT to come. I’ll eat a japanese steakhouse out of the steak and the house.
K: Then why won’t you–
Lucy: *puts up hand to stop her* My parents don’t want me going to crash your adult party
K: *stares at me* you ARE an adult.
Lucy: Oh, I know. But I’m like–adulting is… responsibility…
And I’m like floundering. How do I explain to this woman that (btws there was a whole side story where my dad always told me I was a spoiled kid and come to find out, his definition of a spoiled child is VERY different from an ACTUALLY spoiled child. But that’s a story for another time) has a 17 year old daughter and therefore sees ME – at 24 – as an adult that my parents do not in fact agree with that?
And then – like the ghost of Christmas past – it came to me out of the darkness.
Lucy: I’m not at their–your level.
K: What do you mean?
Lucy: Okay. Think of it like this. I just got out of training. I’m a level one adult. I’ve only killed a few ppl’s dreams. My parents are like level 4-5 adults. They’ve killed their own dreams as well as other ppl’s dreams.
Lucy: I’M KIDDING.
Lucy: But seriously. Me = level one adult, I do not have the clearance to sit with the big boys unless there is a much larger gathering. Them = level 5.
K: *cracking up by this point* What does it take to get to level 5?! Is it just age? Cuz if so… I’m a level 7 or 8.
Lucy: Well, I mean, I guess responsibility.
K: LEVEL 11!
Lucy: Oh okay.
Cheese: *laughing bc he’s been silently listening this whole time*
And that’s the story about how my parents and my parents’ friends have leveled up. Thank you for reading.
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 41
Brain: I HAS AN IDEA
Me: I’m editing the last idea you had
Brain: BUT YOU NEED TO WRITE THIS ONE NOW
Me: *sighs and takes off glasses* I have two jobs and have been writing for you non stop. If you want to share your ideas, you have to let me finish editing them.
Brain: *shows me the idea*
Me: *puts glasses back on and opens a new word document* it’s never ending, isn’t it?
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 42
Me: *sits down and awaits for me to notice I’m sitting down*
Also me: What’s up?
Me: *Takes breath* Me, have a seat.
Also me: Ohhhhhkkkaaaaayyyyyy *sits*
Me: I notice you haven’t been working on writing as much as you should be.
Also me: *nervously scratches arm* I am… trying to…um…I’m on a 15 minute break?
Me: Oh yea? Then what is THIS?! *walks over to bed and strips covers showing books piled under pillows and sheets* Or THIS?! *walks into kitchen and opens refrigerator to reveal books stacked in the place of food*
Also me: You don’t understand! Those were there when I moved in!
Me: I’m so disappointed in you. Go to your room and write.
Also me: BUT I STILL HAVEN’T READ BLACK AND GREEN! AND VEGA JUST CAME OUT AND I’M MENTALLY PREPARING FOR ASHLEY JADE’S NEXT BOOK AND PLEASE, OH GOD. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! STOP!
Me: Until you get back to writing regularly, I’m locking away all of your books for safe keeping.
Also me: *sobs*
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 43
Medieval English Professor: Yes, and there was this one time I went on a dig in England in the summer of my undergrad. Do you know how many times they made me relabel artifacts? I’m a little bitter.
Me: *slowly pulls out writer notebook* And did you perhaps meet incredibly attractive Nighthawks? aka artifact thieves and stop them but get kidnapped?
Whole Class: *stares*
Me: *breaks fourth wall* Indiana Jones-esque RH anyone?
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 44
Me to friend: I wanna write a book about gypsies.
Friend: So do it.
Me: Delves into intensive research and starts book.
One. Week. Later.
Me to same friend: I wanna write a book about Dijnn and Demons
Same Friend: So do it.
Me: Looks up lore about demons and Dijnn. Watches Supernatural. Goes to local university to interview a professor who got his BA in paranormal history [yea, I really had a teacher like that]
Three. Days. Later.
Me to SAME friend: I wanna write about a people indigenous to central America whose skin is literal gold.
SAME Friend: *stares* What is wrong with you?
Me: Gets on a plane to Mexico. Gonna go look for El Dorado.
Two. Months. Later.
Me on phone with friend: Can you send money? I’m kinda in a pickle.
Friend: Sigh. What did you do?
Me: I think I married an Aztec Prince. I didn’t know they had actual royalty.
Friend: And… how did this happen? Also, if you’re married to a Prince, why do you need money?
Me: It’s a long story, but I need the money so that I can prove that I can buy my way out of slavery and get the hell outta dodge.
Friend: … How much do you need?
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 45
Friend: What are you doing?
Lucy: *body crawling on the living room floor* Nothing, just working something out.
Friend: *looks around* what are you trying to work out?
Lucy: How long it takes for someone to body crawl a mile. *continues wiggling back and forth*
Friend: And how are you keeping track of that?
Lucy: *pauses* *whispers* fuck…
Three. Days. Later.
Lucy: Hey, L, do you happen to have a lighter I can borrow?
L: What happened to all of your candle lighters?
Lucy: Um… can you let me borrow your lighter before I tell you?
L: *squints* what did you do?
Lucy: *scuffs shoe on floor* It’s nothing, I’ll clean it up.
L: *Walks out into yard* WHAT. DID. YOU. DO?
Lucy: I was trying to see if you could burn an S.O.S into grass using a lighter and if it would be big enough for people to see in the sky.
L: Why does it say “Ryan Reynolds is my man”?
Lucy: Because he is.
Four. Hours. Earlier.
Friend: Will you please stop watching deadpool?! That is not an accurate representation of–JESUS WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Lucy: Ryan Reynolds is teaching me how to fight. I need to know this so I can write about it.
Friend: No! Stop that!
Lucy: NEVER! Oh… I got an idea! What if my character was stranded on an island of grass and rock. No shade. Nothing. How would they get off?
Friend: An SOS?
Lucy: *eyes get real big* I need lighters! *runs off*
Friend: I think I preferred it when you asked me to choke you…
Lucy: *somewhere far away* IT WAS FOR RESEARCH!
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 46
Lucy: *Editing classmate’s paper draft in class.*
Lucy: *pauses mid-comment* *leans over to classmate* You’re okay with me using expletives in my comments, right?
Classmate: Uhhh, sure? Go ahead?
Lucy: *nods* Cool, ’cause I already wrote it and it’s in pen, so no taking that shit back now.
Classmate: *gets paper back* OMG
Lucy: What I do?
Classmate: You drew an eyeroll emoji next to your comments.
Lucy: Yes. Yes, I did.
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 47
This one is gonna be long. And, be forewarned… there may be some PG 13 scenes.
Four score and… okay, it was like 2(ish) years ago when…
LUCY: 21st BIRTHDAY!!! WOOHHOOO
Friend E: She’s gonna get hammered.
Friend D: Yup. Am I the mom tonight?
E: Well, we’re prolly gonna end up naked together at the end of this and you have a higher patience level so… yup.
LUCY: SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS!
Friend H: Oh dear, how many has she has already.
D: She pregamed before we even got here.
H: WITH WHAT?
D + E: Champagne, fireball, and vodka
H: *looks ill*
Lucy: *Dances off*
H: Where did she go?
D: Um… don’t look now but…
H: WHAT THE FUCK?! IS SHE MAKING OUT WITH THAT GUY? SHE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW HIM! *Storms over to intoxicated Lucy*
Lucy: *evades H* SHOTS!
Bartender: You’re drunk.
Bartender: Prove to me that you’re not drunk and you can have another.
Bartender: Good enough. *hands over shot*
Lucy: SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS *dances away yet again*
D: She seems to be having fun
H: Where the fuck did that bitch go?!
E: Aaaaaaand, there she is.
H: LUCY! TAKE YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THAT MAN’S MOUTH THIS INSTANT!
*20 minutes and an uber ride home later*
H: Jesus H. Christ *tucking Lucy into bed* We have a final exam tomorrow, how could you be so reckless.
Lucy: *grumbling about not getting hot guys number* Cockblock. Tease. It’ll be fine. I got this – we got this. I love you, bestie.
H: Go to sleep. I’ll see you in the final tomorrow.
5. Hours. Later.
Lucy: *Walks into class with Starbucks and test supplies* Morning!
H: *looks like death warmed over* How the actual fuck…?
Lucy: Here, I picked up some supplies for you too.
H: *squints* are you still drunk?
Lucy: Nope! Good luck on the test!
Lucy got an A that day… but still has not found the hot guy for her…
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 48
Lucy: *working on Iris Boys series*
OTHER Lucy: … what would happen if you wrote this…”
Lucy: *pauses* That’s a completely new series, I have more than enough on my plate to last me for several years, thank you very much.
OL: No one else has done it quite like this.
Lucy: *whimpers* th-that’s o-okay. *tries really hard to refocus on current work*
OL: *grins wickedly* you know you want to.
Lucy: NO! STOP IT! SATAN! HEDONIST! WITCH!
OL: *cackles maniacally while disappearing into the darkness*
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 49
Lucy: *makes special delicious chicken and pasta dinner*
*timer dings to let Lucy know dinner is done*
Lucy: *pulls out chicken and finishes pasta* *grabs plate* *stops and stares at freshly prepared homecooked meal*
Lucy: I don’t want this…
10 minutes later
Lucy: *eating oreo o’s for dinner* What is wrong with me?
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 50
Lucy: *driving down the road with the Rock in the passenger seat*
Rock: That’s why I think you two would be perfect for-
Lucy: -What if it started raining on the way home and it got so dark that we couldn’t see and we had to pull over and then everyone had to pull over and a big wreck happened in front of us and then a woman in one of the cars happened to be pregnant so we had to get out and help her and then it turned out she was the dying wife of a billionaire and bc we took care of her when she was giving birth/dying, we were rewarded with loads of cash. But we don’t want the cash and we attend her funeral and I meet her distant brother, who also happens to be rich and he and I fall in love and-
Rock: We’re not playing this game.
Lucy: Game? What if life is just a game? What if we’re players in a video game and we don’t even know. Like who made us? Are we avatar? Is that why some people can’t lose or gain any weight because our controllers/players won’t let us?
Lucy: What if you ran a stop sign and crashed into-
Rock: WHAT IF! WHAT IF! WHAT IF! FINE! If you want to play this game then what if the world exploded?
Lucy: *getting excited* YEAH! what if the world exploded and the only part of humanity left were those people in outer space-side note: can you have sex in outer space?-and they didn’t know what to do and-
Rock: *glaring at Lucy*
Rock: *Continues glaring for a brief moment* *sighs* You’re too creative for your own good. That’s why I said the two of you would be perfect for each other. He’s the only one who gets your weirdness.
Lucy: …I’m weird?
Rock: Without a doubt in my mind.
Lucy: …but the good kind of weird, right?
Rock: *laughing* … the… best…
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 51
Lucy: *looks left* *looks right* *opens computer, clicks on new outline*
Friend: *pops up out of nowhere* Whatcha doin?
Lucy: *SCREAMS* Omg! You scared me! …
*both stare at computer screen where Lucy has started outlining a new story* *Lucy clicks away*
Lucy: So.. um… how’re you?
Friend: Don’t you have deadlines for–
Lucy: Yup. Working on it.
Friend: Wasn’t that a new–
Lucy: *starts sweating* No idea what you’re talking about.
Friend: Uh huh. So, identical twins huh?
Lucy: *sweating profusely now* Uhhhhhh
Friend: Give me the laptop
Lucy: *jumps up, runs away with laptop* NEVER!!!!
Friend: *chasing Lucy* GOD DAMN IT, LUCY!!!
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 52
Lucy: *to snapchat* Have you ever noticed how the width of a mountain dew mini is like that of a really fat dick?
Also Lucy: *also to snapchat* Are cupcakes like… gay muffins, or are they just muffins who believed in miracles… but then… what are breakfast muffins? Are they morning people? If we’re being fair, then there should be night owl muffins too… I need to look this up.
5. Minutes. Later.
Lucy: *back on snapchat* EVERYTHING WE KNOW IS A LIE! All muffins can be eaten for breakfast. I’ve also decided that muffins are just those really annoying people who work out and health healthy and shit and look good … their annoying because they make me feel like a slacker
Other Lucy: *yelling from a distance* YOU ARE A SLACKER
Lucy: Do me a favor, Lucy 2.0, why don’t you politely… fuck off.
Other Lucy: *rolls eyes*
Lucy: Now, if muffins are healthy eaters. Then, that means cupcakes are those people who eat whatever the FUCK they want and STILL LOOK AMAZING.
I hate those people… but I don’t hate cupcakes… Probably because I want to eat cupcakes… *dirty thoughts ensue*
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 53
*Dog jumps on bed*
Lucy: Whatthefuck! *points finger guns around room* I don’t have any money! … *looks down at dog* Oh….
Hiro (aka the dog): *wags tail*
Lucy: You wanna go out don’t you?
Hiro: *jumps off bed and sits by door*
Lucy: *checks clock* Only 12:30… (pm) Yea, okay, let me get pants on.
15 minutes later *coming back inside*
Lucy: *yawns* Welp. Back to bed.
2 Hours later. 3pm.
Lucy: *alarm goes off* Whatthefuck!
Hiro: *wags tail while knawing on dog toy*
Lucy: Do you need to go out again?
Hiro: *wags tail faster*
Lucy: ‘Kay. *takes dog out again* *comes back* Hmmm… what should I do today? I have to get some laundry done. Some writing done. I’m kinda hungry…
Lucy: … *trolls facebook with Mcdonalds bag in lap*
5 Hours later. 9pm.
Lucy: Where did the day go? *takes dog out again* It’s like all I do is sit around and sleep. *plays with dog* I’m so lazy. *looks at unfinished homework* I should probably do that…
Lucy: *vacuums instead*
Lucy: *sighs* *let’s roommate’s demon dog out*
Demon dog: *destroys apartment in under 10 minutes*
Lucy: *puts demon dog back* *cleans apartment again*
Lucy: Welp, I should probably actually get some writing done… But I’m kinda tired now.
Lucy’s brain: wut.
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 54
(graphic content ahead)
Lucy: *tells best friend plans for books for the next year*
BF: *Says Lucy’s full real name*
Lucy: Oh shit. You’re really mad.
BF: *typing furious reply* *autocorrect fucks up a million times*
Lucy: You know… you’re less scary when autocorrect hates you
BF: Shut up, I’m still scary damn it!
Lucy: *sobs hysterically* *cackles hysterically*
BF: You’re going to die.
BF: You need to give yourself a fucking break
Lucy: Just a break… with a lot of fucking
BF: …I can be of service…
Also from BF: BF’s aren’t BF’s unless they offer to fuck away your stress.
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 55
Friend: *sends Lucy image of someone debasing Sweet Iced Tea*
Lucy: *wakes up at 9:15 am because her son [Hiro, the Dog] has to pee* *see’s Foxy’s message* That woman [the debaser of Sweet Iced Tea] needs to die.
Lucy: *goes to message Friend* Holy F*ck! Did I really say that? I don’t remember sending that at all!… Oh, it was 9:15 am… that makes sense now.
Lucy: Also, they were spreading blasphemous about SWEET DELICIOUS ICED TEA so…
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 56
*typing away at work* *older coworker comes in*
Lucy: Hi, Mrs. P, how are you?
Mrs. P: I have gas
Lucy: *doesn’t bat an eye* Well that sounds like a personal problem
Mrs. P: Right you are, dear
Mrs. P: You know, dear, you’re really quite beautiful.
Lucy: *doesn’t know how to take a compliment* Uh… I’m told I look like Snow White.
Mrs. P: No, Snow White was pure and innocent. We know the truth.
Lucy: *dies* You know me so well…
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 57
No context. It’s funnier that way.
Lucy: You’re in the important characters cast.
Kel: I stand by my God.
Lucy:… You have no god.
Kel: GIF! Lmao
Lucy: *still going* You’re a fucking atheist wtf. *realizes* OMG. I’m gonna pee myself, I’m laughing so hard.
Kel: hehehe. Me too. But I should be first in your heart. That spot is mine. I’ll pee on you. Everyone will know you’re mine.
Lucy: Uhh… no. Not hot.
Lucy: That’s not my kink.
Kel: Fine I’ll lick you.
Lucy: I’m a little more okay with that.
Kel: Cause if you lick it, then it’s yours.
Lucy: uh huh.
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 58
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:
Ostriches are Chicken Giraffes from now on.
Thank you and please proceed with your regularly broadcasted newsfeed.
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 59
Lucy on Cover Porn (aka Book covers for sale):
Lucy: OMG, it’s PERFECT.
Also Lucy: You’re poor. Stop.
L: *pulls out wad of cash*
AL: Where dafuq did you get that?
L: I have a secret stash for perfect covers.
AL: We need to talk about your priorities. But no, you’re still not getting it. You have too many covers of books not yet out.
L: What if–
AL: Something better may come along.
L: LOOK AT IT! WHAT COULD BE BETTER?!
AL: Amanda covers.
L: … *slams door to the bedroom because it’s no use arguing*
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 60
Lucy Looking for Cover Models: Take One
She’s DEFINITELY high right now.
Oh God, stop LOOKING AT ME!
Who did your make up?
Who let you leave the house like that?
All of you need to STOP SMILING. My characters are dark souls. NOT HAPPY GO LUCKY LADIES SITTING DOWN FOR TEA WITH THEIR TRUE LOVE AND DEAD GRANDMOTHER DAMN IT.
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 61
Lucy Looking for Cover Models: Take Two
Okay, not bad.
I… didn’t want to see ANY of that, but thank you.
Oh… this one seems… promising. *clicks*
*clicks clicks clicks*
Why are you wearing sunglasses in EVERY DAMN PICTURE!? I don’t even know what your face looks like!
You gonna do something with that gun or you just gonna hold it like a fashion accessory?
*SCREAMS* OMG NO!
*Rapid clicking ensues*
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 62
Lucy Looking for Cover Models: Take Three
You have long hair and boobs but… are you sure it’s a woman?
Weren’t you in that movie Thoroughbreds? The one that wasn’t about horses, I mean.
*click click click*
Definitely wouldn’t want to run into you in a back alley
Orrrrrrrrr on a normal street either for that matter.
Is… is that… Is that your FACE?
WHY ARE ALL THE GOOD PICTURES IN BLACK AND WHITE?!
A Day in the Life of Lucy: 63
Lucy Looking for Cover Models: Take Four
God… are you out there? It’s me, Lucy.
I don’t know how much more I can take of this.
Are those… dreads?
WHO DID THIS TO YOU? Who HURT you?!
*inhales deep breath*
What the ACTUAL fuck?
I honestly don’t know what else to look for…
Am I a bad person?
If SHE can be a model then I can CERTAINLY be one too.
What are you doing? WHY are you doing that?
THIS IS PROMISING.
Is it almost over?
Aaaaaaaaannnnd you turned around.
That is not a good look for you, Honey.
Maybe don’t quit your day job?
I’m going to hell.